rain, rain, go away....

we romanticize a lot of stuff, especially as women. and i think it's because, at a very early age, we are inundated with stories of "happily ever after" to the point that we believe that reality is a disney movie. it's not. you have no idea how many times i halfway expected a handsome prince to come knocking on the door to "rescue" me from torturous hours of cleaning my room... and this was at twelve years old. of course, now, at almost twenty-eight, i realize that i don't need to be "rescued". at least not by a prince. i can do that myself. and if i'm unhappy, i'm the only person who really has any control over that. but, still, being the little girl inside that i still am~ i want to be loved. but doesn't everyone? i don't want someone to think i'm perfect. that would bother me because i'd be afraid for them to see my flaws, my numerous imperfections. and i think that those "quirks" are part of what make me loveable. or at least they make the good seem even better. i don't know.

.... but an hour after starting this blog, i'm reminded that an old, good friend of mine has just suffered a tremendous loss. her boyfriend passed away yesterday and i can not even begin to imagine what she is going through and, to tell you the truth, it makes me not want to waste another second being unhappy. i don't want life to pass me by. i don't want to be 95 years old, in bed, thinking all the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas"... i don't want to live a life that i wouldn't want for my daughter. i dont want to hurt anyone. ever. but, sometimes, you have to, right? i mean, you can't always make everyone happy. i don't know. sometimes i feel lost. like, i don't know which way is up. i don't know what the right thing to do is.

so i pray. i know that He will give me the guidance, but as with most every other conversation i've had with anyone, i'm still concerned that maybe i'm not hearing what the LORD is saying to me. maybe i'm still just making of it what i want. how do i know the difference? how do i know what the right thing to do is?

and now i'm starting to think- maybe i shouldn't put myself out there as much as i do. maybe i should hold back... but, that's not me... maybe it should be. i've never been good at being anything other than kayla. "the nice girl". hmmmm... nice is supposed to be a good thing. try telling that to key lime pie guy. hmph.

oh well. i guess just keep checkin' back with me & we'll see if nice has done me any good. :/