time after time....

So, today is Easter Sunday. My first one without my children (Harley and Carter, anyway) and it's heartbreaking. It's only 7:30 a.m. and already I'm crying. Tomorrow will be four looooong months since I've held their little bodies or kissed their faces. I'm not good at this. Not good at being away from my babies. My family is having the usual big Easter egg hunt at Aunt Lee's... my brother and sister are both actually supposed to be their with their children, but I just don't think I can bring myself to go. I think, more than anything, it would be depressing to watch all of my nieces and my nephew, as well as my cousins' children run around and find eggs while two of mine are 13 hours away. ((ugh!! dry it up, kayla!!)) I know I stated in an earlier post that crying makes me feel better, and that I love it, but this cry doesn't feel so good. It hurts...
One of the things I've always known was that I was a good mother. From the moment I found out that I was carrying Harley, that became my number one job. Granted, after my divorce, I went through what I deem my "temporary insanity period", where I focused on Kayla, but I suppose I needed that. I don't know. Can't change it now. But, that's what happens when you marry at 18, and are divorced 4 years later. But, I'm the kind of mom that would literally sing my children awake in the mornings... the one that would lay in bed with them and watch iCarly or Phinneas and Ferb marathons... Thursdays were Happy Meals... we would draw. a lot. Carter has called himself an artist now, for the past 2 years almost and he's gotten almost scary-good. He is so talented. So gifted. And Harley showed me on Christmas eve that she truly is what everyone has always claimed- me made over. She stood in the living room, right in the middle, in front of all of the family and friends I had invited to celebrate with us (and to say Goodbye to the children for six months) and sang her heart out. I used to do the same thing. My baby puts on shows like I did. Yeah, I cried. But, it's just so beautiful to see your children grow... and sometimes to see that they're a lot like you were at that age is almost like going back yourself. The highlight of that night was when I sang with my baby girl... in front of everyone, Harley to my left, Carter on my right, singing "our song".... Time After Time. It's a song that the three of us have been singing together since they could put sentences together and now, with them gone, it means even more to me....

My sweet babies at 4 & 6

First Day of School 2010

Carter started kindergarten!!!

Carter with what he's always wanted- a baby brother.

this was 'blue day' at school and I didn't realize that my son is probably the only little boy in the world who didn't own anything blue. Most everything in his closet was black or camo (I let my boy pick out his own clothes... for the most part). we were stuck with a plain blue t.

ohhhhh, my sweet baby girl. Harley was only about 4 here. look at that little face!!!

on the day they left for their daddy's... Christmas morning, but they were both sooo happy!! look at

 Cart-man's face over a T-Rex!!!

Harley is so grown-y now. Here she is playing "Monster High" on my laptop. ;)

Carter explaining to his friend, Clemon, why he shouldn't eat so much junk food... true story. i <3 this kid!!

at his first school Christmas program!!!

After the school Christmas program... painting "santa pins"

Wild Adventures

Gotta love Carter's sunscreened nose!

Wild Adventures... this was in October & look how hot it obviously was!

That's South GA for ya!!

Harley's 6th Birthday party... Carter diggin' into the cake early. ;)

my good girl. <3

one of my favorite pics EVER of them...

beautiful green eyes....

how sweet...

then she said "mama! why do you have to let him kiss me??!"

Bugga must have a gumball in her mouth!! lol

before the parade... Harley walked in it because of her GA Power award. I made her shirt!! :D

It had her name on the back... so cute!!!

One of my favorite pictures of Carter... crying at Christmas... he put himself in time out.

He loved wearing his tie, though. He called it his "doctor costume". <3 my handsome man!!!

you can TELL Carter is my kid in this pic!

they got it from their mama.. for sure!!!

this was a rocket Carter was building. :)

Carter's first ride on a Ferris Wheel... I was a nervous wreck because that kid doesn't sit still for anything... but look at that face.... I miss them more every single day.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--
June can't get here fast enough.