ode to "Pimpmasta Kayla"'s Myspace page...

So, back in the day, before Facebook, we all had a Myspace page... you know, with that nifty little url that you got to make up. Mine was (is) Myspace.com/pimpmastakayla ... go on and laugh. I do. :) But, I can't remember my Myspace password. Not that I would be ON it, but I would like to change the picture from the one that looks like I'm pooping in Christina's front yard (I thought it looked gangsta...), but at least my profile is public so I can still access my old blogs. It's nice to go back and read & see how much things have changed. But, there was one blog that I had edited once for my Facebook... then my boyfriend at the time read it and got upset that I mentioned how much I love J.G. (For the record, it's not a romantic I-want-to-have-your-babies love.... it's more of a he's-been-my-best-good-guy-friend-since-most-of-you-kids-were-in-diapers kinda love.) But, anyway. I deleted it. However, I'm re-editing and re-posting. This time on my blog and I don't really give a damn who it upsets. If you don't wanna read it, you seriously shouldn't be checkin' out my blog. I shouldn't cuss. That's ugly. I need to work on that. Anyway. Here goes. Enjoy.

This social networking thing gets so personal... but predictable. Almost every girl's "info" has a picture of her with her boyfriend (cute) or her best "girl friends", a quote from The Notebook (cheesy), and a description of herself saying something about how "original" she is.. How she is one of a kind because she & her girlfriends have eachother's backs, they're clumsy, they don't always look perfect, they're hopeless romantics, blah, blah, blah. No- you're not original. That makes you just like every other girl out there who thinks they are something special. And, I'm not saying that makes you less special... just less original. Yes; I can identify with a lot of the things in those quotes... but they don't sum up who I am... So I'm gonna try to do that now... as honestly as possible...
I'm a mommy. Sometimes I wake up wanting just one more child....seriously. I mean, I've given birth to 3 with my youngest being 7 months old, but if I could have another one tomorrow- I probably would. Children are my addiction. But, I've been "fixed"; a decision that I wonder about daily... was it the "right" thing to do? I AM a hopeless romantic... but sometimes I just feel hopeless. Like no matter how much you believe in love... maybe the only REAL love that exists is the love for your children... the family you created. When no one else is around, I stand in front of the mirror (yes; with a hairbrush) and sing along to Taylor Swift or Fergie & dream that I'm up on stage somewhere... and I know it's ridiculous- only teenagers do that sort of thing... but it's one of those things that just make me happy. I cry- a lot. And I like it. Isn't that ridiculous? I like to cry. But, it makes me feel better. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm nervous, when I'm scared.... I still miss all of my ex boyfriends. I don't want to be with them... I just miss being around them. Middle School was the happiest time of my life. I'm a goofy drunk... I guess you could even say absurd. I tend to think I'm a thug or something and want to rap. Seriously. It happens. And I'm white. A white girl. (smh) I sometimes don't believe that I'm supposed to be married. That maybe I'm just "too much" for anyone to really handle. I dream of the man that will hold me NO MATTER WHAT. Where ever we are- whatever we're doing... if I say "Hold Me"- he'll do it. He'll want to. And he'll hold my hand just cause I asked him to. I don't think I'm pretty, but I still love to hear other people say that they think I am. I think that younger sisters are 9 times out of 10 prettier than the older ones... I don't know why it works like that. It just seems to. Look at Hilary & Haylie Duff... Paris & Nicky Hilton... Kayla & Allyson Shealey... :D I'm a jealous person. I've always been jealous of my baby sister... Probably always will be (love you, Lou!). I make stupid jokes that no one else gets. I LOVE inside jokes & I get so excited about them that I wear them out! (how 'bout that ride in??   ONE WOMAN COUGAR PACK!!!) I can be a hypocrite. I have a good many guy friends that I talk to on a regular basis, but if I see that my man has been talking to another girl- I get upset. Not angry, just suspicious, really...I start wondering if he's cheating on me. It's crazy psycho girl stuff, I know... But maybe I have trust issues. No, I KNOW i have trust issues. I love being one of the guys. It makes it hard when you want someone to look at you like a GIRL, but I like that my guy friends are so comfortable that they can just be themselves around me...(except Brandon Howell told me once that he feels uncomfortable even CUSSING around me now... and he's been cussing around me for 17 years now)... I always liked my hair short, but I've really gotten used to it being long & I don't think I'll ever cut it again, but then again- I'm impulsive. EXTREMELY impulsive. i'm a flirt. I love to be the center of attention, but I'm only good at impromptu stuff... I get the cold sweats when it's planned. I'm afraid someone's gonna think "wow- she actually TRIED and that's as good as it gets." ugh. I still get nervous when I'm "out of my element"... for example, being somewhere where I'm the only person who knows no one... Nervous is not the right word.. maybe nauseous is a better word... it makes me wanna throw up. I wish I were either taller or shorter. I hate being stuck in the middle. I wish I could lose the "baby fat"... but I don't want to give up Oreos or fried food... or just food in general... I'm an amazing cook, and I like to eat my food!! I think my boobs are too small, my butt is too big, my face is perfectly funny looking, and my legs aren't muscular enough... but for some reason, I think it all works. I don't think I'm unattractive... I don't think I'm PRETTY, but I do believe that there's something about me that turns guys to mush. I don't know what it is, but it works every time.... I love that about me. I think I have a *FABULOUS* personality, but I'm so scared of becoming fake. I feel like no one really "gets" me sometimes which frustrates me to no end...But then I'm afraid for someone to "get" me... I get myself in bad situations... I'm insecure... I LOVE fried food & pasta... Dirty Martinis... (extra dirty)... Jack on the rocks... I think ALL eyes are pretty.. not just  a particular color... i'm a sucker for a guy with a full mouth & a great chest (and brown eyes melt me)...  I love God, but I wish I had a closer relationship with Him... this past year I've gotten a little off track... time to get back up on the horse, i suppose. :)
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell... if I think of more- I'll let you know. :)