where to begin... (this is how i was told to begin this blog... and i was also told what to title it... however, it's not going to end just yet. you know me- i have a lot to say.)
"you never lose by loving. you always lose by holding back."
i read this earlier & it was kind of appropriate. it just seemed to fit me. even if it's not "love", per se... emotion, feelings, giving a part of you to someone else... you're not going to lose out if you put yourself out there. you might get hurt. actually, chances are- you probably will get hurt. i mean, everything comes to an end at some point, right? but if you spend so much time focusing on how it might end, you can't enjoy what's in front of you. the same goes for letting yourself go... you can't enjoy what you're in if you're holding back... hiding from it. so, i fall. i give. i get hurt. but i also get to experience some of the most wonderful relationships & feelings known to man. i put so much, even, into my friendships.. and, yeah, it hurts when one of them leaves- when their husbands take a new job so they have to move, it stinks. because my friends are like my family. but, if i didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt when they left. but, also- if i didn't love them- i wouldn't be as close to them and their families. i would only watch their children grow up on facebook and not get to actually be a part of their lives. but, it's obviously not just about friendship. obviously. but one of my favorite quotes from any movie EVER goes something like this...
" I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
and i guess that's kind of how i feel. i have dreams. big dreams. silly dreams. girl dreams. dreams of being loved like i've never felt before. because i've learned (the hard way) that one person can not love enough for two. it doesn't work. no matter how hard you may try, if you know deep down that you love the other person drastically more than they love you, it will never work. you will hurt over it every single day. i know. but that has never stopped me from putting myself out there & still giving it all that i've got.
i'll make mistakes. i'm going to continue getting hurt. i know this. and, no, i'm not some weirdo who likes being hurt. i dread it as much as the next girl. but, its a risk i'm willing to take in order to find what i feel might still be out there.... (maybe just wishful thinking, but a girl can dream....)
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope."
..not ready to give up hope yet... bring on the hurt.
26 April 2011
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