we romanticize a lot of stuff, especially as women. and i think it's because, at a very early age, we are inundated with stories of "happily ever after" to the point that we believe that reality is a disney movie. it's not. you have no idea how many times i halfway expected a handsome prince to come knocking on the door to "rescue" me from torturous hours of cleaning my room... and this was at twelve years old. of course, now, at almost twenty-eight, i realize that i don't need to be "rescued". at least not by a prince. i can do that myself. and if i'm unhappy, i'm the only person who really has any control over that. but, still, being the little girl inside that i still am~ i want to be loved. but doesn't everyone? i don't want someone to think i'm perfect. that would bother me because i'd be afraid for them to see my flaws, my numerous imperfections. and i think that those "quirks" are part of what make me loveable. or at least they make the good seem even better. i don't know.
.... but an hour after starting this blog, i'm reminded that an old, good friend of mine has just suffered a tremendous loss. her boyfriend passed away yesterday and i can not even begin to imagine what she is going through and, to tell you the truth, it makes me not want to waste another second being unhappy. i don't want life to pass me by. i don't want to be 95 years old, in bed, thinking all the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas"... i don't want to live a life that i wouldn't want for my daughter. i dont want to hurt anyone. ever. but, sometimes, you have to, right? i mean, you can't always make everyone happy. i don't know. sometimes i feel lost. like, i don't know which way is up. i don't know what the right thing to do is.
so i pray. i know that He will give me the guidance, but as with most every other conversation i've had with anyone, i'm still concerned that maybe i'm not hearing what the LORD is saying to me. maybe i'm still just making of it what i want. how do i know the difference? how do i know what the right thing to do is?
and now i'm starting to think- maybe i shouldn't put myself out there as much as i do. maybe i should hold back... but, that's not me... maybe it should be. i've never been good at being anything other than kayla. "the nice girl". hmmmm... nice is supposed to be a good thing. try telling that to key lime pie guy. hmph.
oh well. i guess just keep checkin' back with me & we'll see if nice has done me any good. :/
28 April 2011
27 April 2011
A grenade.... really??
So, I am wayyyyy over-analytical. I know this. And I love music. I'm obsessed with chords, flow, lyrics... everything that makes a song what it is. So, with all of this thrown out there, you can safely assume that I actually pay attention to the lyrics to every. song. i. listen. to. And there are some really dumb songs out there. I'm a pretty open book. I try to be honest. I wear my heart on my sleeve & sometimes feel and say things that are probably borderline inappropriate. But, I tend to lack that filter between my brain and my mouth that tells me when to shut it... So, anyway. Like I was saying, I put myself out there emotionally. That's a well-known fact. But.... there are some things that not even I would say... much less do.
Catch a grenade for ya??? What?! Are you kidding me? If I see a grenade coming anywhere near my general direction, I'm running like hell. Not even gonna pretend otherwise. I don't care how much I love a man... I'm not catching a grenade. Period. So don't even ask.
Throw my hand on a blade for ya?? Seriously? I mean, when would that even be necessary? Is there a guy holding a gun to your head unless I "throw my hand on a blade"? Because that just sounds so absurd that I'm not even sure that's what he says.
Jump in front of a train? Negative. And my favorite- take a bullet straight through my brain.... Not happ'nin' cap'n. Sorry. I like myself. I love Kayla. And I have kids to live for. Sorry pal. If you wanna go out catchin' grenades, standin' on train tracks & throwin' your hands on blades and stuff- that's your deal. Of course, I'd rather you not. primarily because that just makes you stupid and I would hate to think that I wasted time with someone with such limited intellectual capabilities, because you are obviously short bus material.
In all honesty, I would do any/all of these things for my children, if necessary. Their life is far more important than my own. But, ideally, i'd just push 'em off the train tracks because me standing in front of the thing isn't gonna stop it anyway. Then we both go down. Double suck.
Catch a grenade for ya??? What?! Are you kidding me? If I see a grenade coming anywhere near my general direction, I'm running like hell. Not even gonna pretend otherwise. I don't care how much I love a man... I'm not catching a grenade. Period. So don't even ask.
Throw my hand on a blade for ya?? Seriously? I mean, when would that even be necessary? Is there a guy holding a gun to your head unless I "throw my hand on a blade"? Because that just sounds so absurd that I'm not even sure that's what he says.
Jump in front of a train? Negative. And my favorite- take a bullet straight through my brain.... Not happ'nin' cap'n. Sorry. I like myself. I love Kayla. And I have kids to live for. Sorry pal. If you wanna go out catchin' grenades, standin' on train tracks & throwin' your hands on blades and stuff- that's your deal. Of course, I'd rather you not. primarily because that just makes you stupid and I would hate to think that I wasted time with someone with such limited intellectual capabilities, because you are obviously short bus material.
In all honesty, I would do any/all of these things for my children, if necessary. Their life is far more important than my own. But, ideally, i'd just push 'em off the train tracks because me standing in front of the thing isn't gonna stop it anyway. Then we both go down. Double suck.
26 April 2011
Stinka Winka Productions (...i do what i'm told...)
where to begin... (this is how i was told to begin this blog... and i was also told what to title it... however, it's not going to end just yet. you know me- i have a lot to say.)
"you never lose by loving. you always lose by holding back."
i read this earlier & it was kind of appropriate. it just seemed to fit me. even if it's not "love", per se... emotion, feelings, giving a part of you to someone else... you're not going to lose out if you put yourself out there. you might get hurt. actually, chances are- you probably will get hurt. i mean, everything comes to an end at some point, right? but if you spend so much time focusing on how it might end, you can't enjoy what's in front of you. the same goes for letting yourself go... you can't enjoy what you're in if you're holding back... hiding from it. so, i fall. i give. i get hurt. but i also get to experience some of the most wonderful relationships & feelings known to man. i put so much, even, into my friendships.. and, yeah, it hurts when one of them leaves- when their husbands take a new job so they have to move, it stinks. because my friends are like my family. but, if i didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt when they left. but, also- if i didn't love them- i wouldn't be as close to them and their families. i would only watch their children grow up on facebook and not get to actually be a part of their lives. but, it's obviously not just about friendship. obviously. but one of my favorite quotes from any movie EVER goes something like this...
" I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
and i guess that's kind of how i feel. i have dreams. big dreams. silly dreams. girl dreams. dreams of being loved like i've never felt before. because i've learned (the hard way) that one person can not love enough for two. it doesn't work. no matter how hard you may try, if you know deep down that you love the other person drastically more than they love you, it will never work. you will hurt over it every single day. i know. but that has never stopped me from putting myself out there & still giving it all that i've got.
i'll make mistakes. i'm going to continue getting hurt. i know this. and, no, i'm not some weirdo who likes being hurt. i dread it as much as the next girl. but, its a risk i'm willing to take in order to find what i feel might still be out there.... (maybe just wishful thinking, but a girl can dream....)
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope."
..not ready to give up hope yet... bring on the hurt.
"you never lose by loving. you always lose by holding back."
i read this earlier & it was kind of appropriate. it just seemed to fit me. even if it's not "love", per se... emotion, feelings, giving a part of you to someone else... you're not going to lose out if you put yourself out there. you might get hurt. actually, chances are- you probably will get hurt. i mean, everything comes to an end at some point, right? but if you spend so much time focusing on how it might end, you can't enjoy what's in front of you. the same goes for letting yourself go... you can't enjoy what you're in if you're holding back... hiding from it. so, i fall. i give. i get hurt. but i also get to experience some of the most wonderful relationships & feelings known to man. i put so much, even, into my friendships.. and, yeah, it hurts when one of them leaves- when their husbands take a new job so they have to move, it stinks. because my friends are like my family. but, if i didn't love them, it wouldn't hurt when they left. but, also- if i didn't love them- i wouldn't be as close to them and their families. i would only watch their children grow up on facebook and not get to actually be a part of their lives. but, it's obviously not just about friendship. obviously. but one of my favorite quotes from any movie EVER goes something like this...
" I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
and i guess that's kind of how i feel. i have dreams. big dreams. silly dreams. girl dreams. dreams of being loved like i've never felt before. because i've learned (the hard way) that one person can not love enough for two. it doesn't work. no matter how hard you may try, if you know deep down that you love the other person drastically more than they love you, it will never work. you will hurt over it every single day. i know. but that has never stopped me from putting myself out there & still giving it all that i've got.
i'll make mistakes. i'm going to continue getting hurt. i know this. and, no, i'm not some weirdo who likes being hurt. i dread it as much as the next girl. but, its a risk i'm willing to take in order to find what i feel might still be out there.... (maybe just wishful thinking, but a girl can dream....)
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope."
..not ready to give up hope yet... bring on the hurt.
24 April 2011
time after time....
So, today is Easter Sunday. My first one without my children (Harley and Carter, anyway) and it's heartbreaking. It's only 7:30 a.m. and already I'm crying. Tomorrow will be four looooong months since I've held their little bodies or kissed their faces. I'm not good at this. Not good at being away from my babies. My family is having the usual big Easter egg hunt at Aunt Lee's... my brother and sister are both actually supposed to be their with their children, but I just don't think I can bring myself to go. I think, more than anything, it would be depressing to watch all of my nieces and my nephew, as well as my cousins' children run around and find eggs while two of mine are 13 hours away. ((ugh!! dry it up, kayla!!)) I know I stated in an earlier post that crying makes me feel better, and that I love it, but this cry doesn't feel so good. It hurts...
One of the things I've always known was that I was a good mother. From the moment I found out that I was carrying Harley, that became my number one job. Granted, after my divorce, I went through what I deem my "temporary insanity period", where I focused on Kayla, but I suppose I needed that. I don't know. Can't change it now. But, that's what happens when you marry at 18, and are divorced 4 years later. But, I'm the kind of mom that would literally sing my children awake in the mornings... the one that would lay in bed with them and watch iCarly or Phinneas and Ferb marathons... Thursdays were Happy Meals... we would draw. a lot. Carter has called himself an artist now, for the past 2 years almost and he's gotten almost scary-good. He is so talented. So gifted. And Harley showed me on Christmas eve that she truly is what everyone has always claimed- me made over. She stood in the living room, right in the middle, in front of all of the family and friends I had invited to celebrate with us (and to say Goodbye to the children for six months) and sang her heart out. I used to do the same thing. My baby puts on shows like I did. Yeah, I cried. But, it's just so beautiful to see your children grow... and sometimes to see that they're a lot like you were at that age is almost like going back yourself. The highlight of that night was when I sang with my baby girl... in front of everyone, Harley to my left, Carter on my right, singing "our song".... Time After Time. It's a song that the three of us have been singing together since they could put sentences together and now, with them gone, it means even more to me....
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--
June can't get here fast enough.
One of the things I've always known was that I was a good mother. From the moment I found out that I was carrying Harley, that became my number one job. Granted, after my divorce, I went through what I deem my "temporary insanity period", where I focused on Kayla, but I suppose I needed that. I don't know. Can't change it now. But, that's what happens when you marry at 18, and are divorced 4 years later. But, I'm the kind of mom that would literally sing my children awake in the mornings... the one that would lay in bed with them and watch iCarly or Phinneas and Ferb marathons... Thursdays were Happy Meals... we would draw. a lot. Carter has called himself an artist now, for the past 2 years almost and he's gotten almost scary-good. He is so talented. So gifted. And Harley showed me on Christmas eve that she truly is what everyone has always claimed- me made over. She stood in the living room, right in the middle, in front of all of the family and friends I had invited to celebrate with us (and to say Goodbye to the children for six months) and sang her heart out. I used to do the same thing. My baby puts on shows like I did. Yeah, I cried. But, it's just so beautiful to see your children grow... and sometimes to see that they're a lot like you were at that age is almost like going back yourself. The highlight of that night was when I sang with my baby girl... in front of everyone, Harley to my left, Carter on my right, singing "our song".... Time After Time. It's a song that the three of us have been singing together since they could put sentences together and now, with them gone, it means even more to me....
My sweet babies at 4 & 6
First Day of School 2010
Carter started kindergarten!!!
Carter with what he's always wanted- a baby brother.
this was 'blue day' at school and I didn't realize that my son is probably the only little boy in the world who didn't own anything blue. Most everything in his closet was black or camo (I let my boy pick out his own clothes... for the most part). we were stuck with a plain blue t.
ohhhhh, my sweet baby girl. Harley was only about 4 here. look at that little face!!!
on the day they left for their daddy's... Christmas morning, but they were both sooo happy!! look at
Cart-man's face over a T-Rex!!!
Harley is so grown-y now. Here she is playing "Monster High" on my laptop. ;)
Carter explaining to his friend, Clemon, why he shouldn't eat so much junk food... true story. i <3 this kid!!
at his first school Christmas program!!!
After the school Christmas program... painting "santa pins"
Wild Adventures
Gotta love Carter's sunscreened nose!
Wild Adventures... this was in October & look how hot it obviously was!
That's South GA for ya!!
Harley's 6th Birthday party... Carter diggin' into the cake early. ;)
my good girl. <3
one of my favorite pics EVER of them...
beautiful green eyes....
how sweet...
then she said "mama! why do you have to let him kiss me??!"
Bugga must have a gumball in her mouth!! lol
before the parade... Harley walked in it because of her GA Power award. I made her shirt!! :D
It had her name on the back... so cute!!!
One of my favorite pictures of Carter... crying at Christmas... he put himself in time out.
He loved wearing his tie, though. He called it his "doctor costume". <3 my handsome man!!!
you can TELL Carter is my kid in this pic!
they got it from their mama.. for sure!!!
this was a rocket Carter was building. :)
Carter's first ride on a Ferris Wheel... I was a nervous wreck because that kid doesn't sit still for anything... but look at that face.... I miss them more every single day.
caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said
Then you say--go slow-- I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--
June can't get here fast enough.
23 April 2011
blah-bitty-blah
random kayla-fact of the day.... i write before i make a title. it's true. probably because i don't know what i'm going to write about or where it's going to end up, so it's easier for me to just ramble and then come up with a "fitting title" after the fact.
another random fact- i think people are too obsessed with money and things. yeah, i think that money is nice and things are really nice, but i believe that i would rather be with a man that works hard for what he has as opposed to a man who has just had everything handed to him his entire life. besides, there's just something really sexy about a hard working man.
i'm obsessed with school, love, and children. some people are obsessed with animals- my obsession is people. little people. i would actually love to adopt someday, or even have more children (somehow)... and i see school as something that makes me better. even if i never do anything with my newfound knowledge, at least i'll have it. i love to learn. i love to read. and love. i love to love. i love to be loved. i love to be in love. i love to see other people in love. i cried at my best friend's wedding last week, not just because it's a wedding and it's emotional and beautiful, but because they love eachother. they truly love eachother. i've seen people get married before that really shouldn't have. they were doing it for the "wrong reasons", but not these two. i've seen them go from strangers, to friends, to a couple, to what they are now--- one. i've seen them fight. i've heard them yell, and i've heard the "make up" stories, as well. these two are gonna make it. they laugh together. they fight together. they hang out in opposite sides of the house and are still content because they are together. they are not jealous. they let eachother be who they really are. they don't have to be anything other than just what they are. they spent an entire week on their honeymoon together... disconnected from "home" and are now on their way back--- and they still like eachother. i highly doubt i could do that with my husband. actually, i know i couldn't. we could probably spend a weekend away, but even then we would have to have other people with us. we don't do things alone. ever. i think that couples need that. i think that is a crucial part of being a functional couple. you need to do things together- just the two of you. but, just as important- you need to do things with other people... couples or a group of friends. and probably most important of all- you need space. you need to have your own interests- do things that you enjoy away from your "significant other". i think that's why it works with them... they do all of these things. they are completely open with eachother. i can honestly say that she married her best friend, and in that moment- watching her repeat vows to love and honor him til death... i couldn't help but cry. its what everyone looks for. it's what most all little girls (and grown women) dream of. i know i do. and she's got it.
i love that girl so much. she is beautiful and kind and smart and hilarious and she loves me exactly as i am. and i am soooo proud of her, and happy for her, and excited about everything that is going to come to them over the course of the next 50 or so years.
ha! this started completely random and ended up being about my stinka winka and her codemeister... now do you see why i don't write a title first??
another random fact- i think people are too obsessed with money and things. yeah, i think that money is nice and things are really nice, but i believe that i would rather be with a man that works hard for what he has as opposed to a man who has just had everything handed to him his entire life. besides, there's just something really sexy about a hard working man.
i'm obsessed with school, love, and children. some people are obsessed with animals- my obsession is people. little people. i would actually love to adopt someday, or even have more children (somehow)... and i see school as something that makes me better. even if i never do anything with my newfound knowledge, at least i'll have it. i love to learn. i love to read. and love. i love to love. i love to be loved. i love to be in love. i love to see other people in love. i cried at my best friend's wedding last week, not just because it's a wedding and it's emotional and beautiful, but because they love eachother. they truly love eachother. i've seen people get married before that really shouldn't have. they were doing it for the "wrong reasons", but not these two. i've seen them go from strangers, to friends, to a couple, to what they are now--- one. i've seen them fight. i've heard them yell, and i've heard the "make up" stories, as well. these two are gonna make it. they laugh together. they fight together. they hang out in opposite sides of the house and are still content because they are together. they are not jealous. they let eachother be who they really are. they don't have to be anything other than just what they are. they spent an entire week on their honeymoon together... disconnected from "home" and are now on their way back--- and they still like eachother. i highly doubt i could do that with my husband. actually, i know i couldn't. we could probably spend a weekend away, but even then we would have to have other people with us. we don't do things alone. ever. i think that couples need that. i think that is a crucial part of being a functional couple. you need to do things together- just the two of you. but, just as important- you need to do things with other people... couples or a group of friends. and probably most important of all- you need space. you need to have your own interests- do things that you enjoy away from your "significant other". i think that's why it works with them... they do all of these things. they are completely open with eachother. i can honestly say that she married her best friend, and in that moment- watching her repeat vows to love and honor him til death... i couldn't help but cry. its what everyone looks for. it's what most all little girls (and grown women) dream of. i know i do. and she's got it.
i love that girl so much. she is beautiful and kind and smart and hilarious and she loves me exactly as i am. and i am soooo proud of her, and happy for her, and excited about everything that is going to come to them over the course of the next 50 or so years.
ha! this started completely random and ended up being about my stinka winka and her codemeister... now do you see why i don't write a title first??
Stinka & I the morning after the first night of her Bachelorette Vacation.
same day, after a Bloody Mary. :)
Stinka & Cody... their last day before they became Mr & Mrs :D
and the day my best friend married her OTHER best friend <3
on our way to the beach... it was a "shrimply wonderful day" (Bahahahaha!!!)
one of our jax trips... the night i was molested by a lesbian.
taking our "engagement pictures" at the gay river.
this was our fave!!!
this is what happens when i try to keep up with the college crowd. i get hot and tired and...
stinka fusses at me that i should be drinking more...
oh, how i love this girl. we are soul mates, fo sho!!
trying on wedding dresses... when neither of us were engaged (we brought my daughter along... see harley in the background..)
stopped at a tire shop to use the potty = PHOTO OP!!!!
whew! what a night... one of the many wednesday nights at el toreo....
mary jane fancy pants and i eating one of the sandwiches cody bought for christina.... because he looooooved her. ;)
maryjane fancy pants, pimpmasta kayla & stinka winka... bein' angels in the p-room (are those halos or gang signs??)
giving stinka claus my christmas list....
wee-wee straws?? yup. <3 this girl.
22 April 2011
squid
I have a serious craving right now. I've had it for a few months now. Probably closer to a year, because it's been soooo long (due to pregnancy & actually having a baby), but this craving... this need, has to be fulfilled.
I need squid. Not fried squid (although I do love calamari). I need slimy, stinky squid on the dangling end of my line, Chronarch in hand, the sunshine beating down on my shoulders, saltwater in my hair.... this is my favorite place on earth. There's a place, about 35 miles out of Steinhatchee, where you can see nothing. Nothing but water and sky. This is what I call the "Kayla waters". I could stay out there and never want to come back. I'm a loud mouth. Not off shore. This is where I don't have to talk. I don't want to talk. No one else exists; no one else matters. Don't try to tell me how to fish, because I can fish circles around you and your boys. I don't need help reeling 'em in. I may be a girl, but I might surprise you. And, heaven forbid, don't ever try to bait my hook. There are few things that get to me like that. As far as I'm concerned, if I need someone to bait my hook, tell me when to "get it", and reel it in for me... all I did was hold a pole. I didn't catch a fish.
I don't know what it is about the ocean that just feels like home to me. I didn't even discover it until I was 17, but it's an addiction. Waking up at 4 a.m., spending all day out in the blistering hot Florida sun, coming in well after dark, a diet of Cheez-Its and Pepsi the only sustenance on the boat.... classic rock playing through the speakers while we ride around checking the sonar... looking for another number.... I want it. I need it. I took dance for twelve years, and the same way that the music would move my body and spirit, the ocean moves my soul. It is such a huge part of me and who I am.
I'm actually the only girl allowed on most of the guys boats that I've been fishing with. I've been told it's hot... that's the one time that I'm not concerned with being hot. I'm just me.
I love the way the saltwater sticks to your skin. Even after being home for a few days, every once in a while, in the shower, you'll get a slight hint of the saltiness dripping down your face... and you're reminded of all that is wonderful about the ocean.
This is pathetic. It's 10:15 on a Friday night & I'm writing about the ocean. I must miss it more than I thought.
I need squid. Not fried squid (although I do love calamari). I need slimy, stinky squid on the dangling end of my line, Chronarch in hand, the sunshine beating down on my shoulders, saltwater in my hair.... this is my favorite place on earth. There's a place, about 35 miles out of Steinhatchee, where you can see nothing. Nothing but water and sky. This is what I call the "Kayla waters". I could stay out there and never want to come back. I'm a loud mouth. Not off shore. This is where I don't have to talk. I don't want to talk. No one else exists; no one else matters. Don't try to tell me how to fish, because I can fish circles around you and your boys. I don't need help reeling 'em in. I may be a girl, but I might surprise you. And, heaven forbid, don't ever try to bait my hook. There are few things that get to me like that. As far as I'm concerned, if I need someone to bait my hook, tell me when to "get it", and reel it in for me... all I did was hold a pole. I didn't catch a fish.
I don't know what it is about the ocean that just feels like home to me. I didn't even discover it until I was 17, but it's an addiction. Waking up at 4 a.m., spending all day out in the blistering hot Florida sun, coming in well after dark, a diet of Cheez-Its and Pepsi the only sustenance on the boat.... classic rock playing through the speakers while we ride around checking the sonar... looking for another number.... I want it. I need it. I took dance for twelve years, and the same way that the music would move my body and spirit, the ocean moves my soul. It is such a huge part of me and who I am.
I'm actually the only girl allowed on most of the guys boats that I've been fishing with. I've been told it's hot... that's the one time that I'm not concerned with being hot. I'm just me.
I love the way the saltwater sticks to your skin. Even after being home for a few days, every once in a while, in the shower, you'll get a slight hint of the saltiness dripping down your face... and you're reminded of all that is wonderful about the ocean.
This is pathetic. It's 10:15 on a Friday night & I'm writing about the ocean. I must miss it more than I thought.
19 April 2011
more inner ramblings from yours truly
last night, in the bathtub, i was thinking. that's where i do my best thinking... no one talks to me (usually), i can lock the world out and just soak... and think (or play bubble breaker on my phone...). and these thoughts don't always mean something (at least, not on a conscious level), or maybe they pertain to people that i'm close to... but nevertheless, i think them. they are mine. but, last night i was thinking~ you know how "they" say "the grass ain't always greener on the other side"? (i mean, whoever "they" may be may not say "ain't" exactly, but i'm from south georgia. we say ain't).... so, if it "aint always greener" then it still is sometimes right? i mean, i've never heard anyone say "the grass is never greener on the other side"... and come to think of it, there has to be a place where the grass is the greenest, right? i mean, i'm no expert when it comes to grass and stuff, but i have some close friends who own lawn care businesses and i'm fairly sure that if i asked one of them if they'd ever seen grass greener than the grass in my yard, they could probably name several places with greener grass. i mean, i get the point... maybe the greener grass has to be cut more often.. .or maybe they have a mole problem, where i do not. i get that every ideal situation has its pitfalls... my yard is just fine. the grass is fine. i like it. its good grass. (lots of weeds, and i've spotted a few too many ant hills, but it's still pretty and green) but maybe i wouldn't mind a bigger yard.
i'd even settle for some greener grass.... :/
i'd even settle for some greener grass.... :/
18 April 2011
ode to "Pimpmasta Kayla"'s Myspace page...
So, back in the day, before Facebook, we all had a Myspace page... you know, with that nifty little url that you got to make up. Mine was (is) Myspace.com/pimpmastakayla ... go on and laugh. I do. :) But, I can't remember my Myspace password. Not that I would be ON it, but I would like to change the picture from the one that looks like I'm pooping in Christina's front yard (I thought it looked gangsta...), but at least my profile is public so I can still access my old blogs. It's nice to go back and read & see how much things have changed. But, there was one blog that I had edited once for my Facebook... then my boyfriend at the time read it and got upset that I mentioned how much I love J.G. (For the record, it's not a romantic I-want-to-have-your-babies love.... it's more of a he's-been-my-best-good-guy-friend-since-most-of-you-kids-were-in-diapers kinda love.) But, anyway. I deleted it. However, I'm re-editing and re-posting. This time on my blog and I don't really give a damn who it upsets. If you don't wanna read it, you seriously shouldn't be checkin' out my blog. I shouldn't cuss. That's ugly. I need to work on that. Anyway. Here goes. Enjoy.
This social networking thing gets so personal... but predictable. Almost every girl's "info" has a picture of her with her boyfriend (cute) or her best "girl friends", a quote from The Notebook (cheesy), and a description of herself saying something about how "original" she is.. How she is one of a kind because she & her girlfriends have eachother's backs, they're clumsy, they don't always look perfect, they're hopeless romantics, blah, blah, blah. No- you're not original. That makes you just like every other girl out there who thinks they are something special. And, I'm not saying that makes you less special... just less original. Yes; I can identify with a lot of the things in those quotes... but they don't sum up who I am... So I'm gonna try to do that now... as honestly as possible...
I'm a mommy. Sometimes I wake up wanting just one more child....seriously. I mean, I've given birth to 3 with my youngest being 7 months old, but if I could have another one tomorrow- I probably would. Children are my addiction. But, I've been "fixed"; a decision that I wonder about daily... was it the "right" thing to do? I AM a hopeless romantic... but sometimes I just feel hopeless. Like no matter how much you believe in love... maybe the only REAL love that exists is the love for your children... the family you created. When no one else is around, I stand in front of the mirror (yes; with a hairbrush) and sing along to Taylor Swift or Fergie & dream that I'm up on stage somewhere... and I know it's ridiculous- only teenagers do that sort of thing... but it's one of those things that just make me happy. I cry- a lot. And I like it. Isn't that ridiculous? I like to cry. But, it makes me feel better. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm nervous, when I'm scared.... I still miss all of my ex boyfriends. I don't want to be with them... I just miss being around them. Middle School was the happiest time of my life. I'm a goofy drunk... I guess you could even say absurd. I tend to think I'm a thug or something and want to rap. Seriously. It happens. And I'm white. A white girl. (smh) I sometimes don't believe that I'm supposed to be married. That maybe I'm just "too much" for anyone to really handle. I dream of the man that will hold me NO MATTER WHAT. Where ever we are- whatever we're doing... if I say "Hold Me"- he'll do it. He'll want to. And he'll hold my hand just cause I asked him to. I don't think I'm pretty, but I still love to hear other people say that they think I am. I think that younger sisters are 9 times out of 10 prettier than the older ones... I don't know why it works like that. It just seems to. Look at Hilary & Haylie Duff... Paris & Nicky Hilton... Kayla & Allyson Shealey... :D I'm a jealous person. I've always been jealous of my baby sister... Probably always will be (love you, Lou!). I make stupid jokes that no one else gets. I LOVE inside jokes & I get so excited about them that I wear them out! (how 'bout that ride in?? ONE WOMAN COUGAR PACK!!!) I can be a hypocrite. I have a good many guy friends that I talk to on a regular basis, but if I see that my man has been talking to another girl- I get upset. Not angry, just suspicious, really...I start wondering if he's cheating on me. It's crazy psycho girl stuff, I know... But maybe I have trust issues. No, I KNOW i have trust issues. I love being one of the guys. It makes it hard when you want someone to look at you like a GIRL, but I like that my guy friends are so comfortable that they can just be themselves around me...(except Brandon Howell told me once that he feels uncomfortable even CUSSING around me now... and he's been cussing around me for 17 years now)... I always liked my hair short, but I've really gotten used to it being long & I don't think I'll ever cut it again, but then again- I'm impulsive. EXTREMELY impulsive. i'm a flirt. I love to be the center of attention, but I'm only good at impromptu stuff... I get the cold sweats when it's planned. I'm afraid someone's gonna think "wow- she actually TRIED and that's as good as it gets." ugh. I still get nervous when I'm "out of my element"... for example, being somewhere where I'm the only person who knows no one... Nervous is not the right word.. maybe nauseous is a better word... it makes me wanna throw up. I wish I were either taller or shorter. I hate being stuck in the middle. I wish I could lose the "baby fat"... but I don't want to give up Oreos or fried food... or just food in general... I'm an amazing cook, and I like to eat my food!! I think my boobs are too small, my butt is too big, my face is perfectly funny looking, and my legs aren't muscular enough... but for some reason, I think it all works. I don't think I'm unattractive... I don't think I'm PRETTY, but I do believe that there's something about me that turns guys to mush. I don't know what it is, but it works every time.... I love that about me. I think I have a *FABULOUS* personality, but I'm so scared of becoming fake. I feel like no one really "gets" me sometimes which frustrates me to no end...But then I'm afraid for someone to "get" me... I get myself in bad situations... I'm insecure... I LOVE fried food & pasta... Dirty Martinis... (extra dirty)... Jack on the rocks... I think ALL eyes are pretty.. not just a particular color... i'm a sucker for a guy with a full mouth & a great chest (and brown eyes melt me)... I love God, but I wish I had a closer relationship with Him... this past year I've gotten a little off track... time to get back up on the horse, i suppose. :)
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell... if I think of more- I'll let you know. :)
This social networking thing gets so personal... but predictable. Almost every girl's "info" has a picture of her with her boyfriend (cute) or her best "girl friends", a quote from The Notebook (cheesy), and a description of herself saying something about how "original" she is.. How she is one of a kind because she & her girlfriends have eachother's backs, they're clumsy, they don't always look perfect, they're hopeless romantics, blah, blah, blah. No- you're not original. That makes you just like every other girl out there who thinks they are something special. And, I'm not saying that makes you less special... just less original. Yes; I can identify with a lot of the things in those quotes... but they don't sum up who I am... So I'm gonna try to do that now... as honestly as possible...
I'm a mommy. Sometimes I wake up wanting just one more child....seriously. I mean, I've given birth to 3 with my youngest being 7 months old, but if I could have another one tomorrow- I probably would. Children are my addiction. But, I've been "fixed"; a decision that I wonder about daily... was it the "right" thing to do? I AM a hopeless romantic... but sometimes I just feel hopeless. Like no matter how much you believe in love... maybe the only REAL love that exists is the love for your children... the family you created. When no one else is around, I stand in front of the mirror (yes; with a hairbrush) and sing along to Taylor Swift or Fergie & dream that I'm up on stage somewhere... and I know it's ridiculous- only teenagers do that sort of thing... but it's one of those things that just make me happy. I cry- a lot. And I like it. Isn't that ridiculous? I like to cry. But, it makes me feel better. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm nervous, when I'm scared.... I still miss all of my ex boyfriends. I don't want to be with them... I just miss being around them. Middle School was the happiest time of my life. I'm a goofy drunk... I guess you could even say absurd. I tend to think I'm a thug or something and want to rap. Seriously. It happens. And I'm white. A white girl. (smh) I sometimes don't believe that I'm supposed to be married. That maybe I'm just "too much" for anyone to really handle. I dream of the man that will hold me NO MATTER WHAT. Where ever we are- whatever we're doing... if I say "Hold Me"- he'll do it. He'll want to. And he'll hold my hand just cause I asked him to. I don't think I'm pretty, but I still love to hear other people say that they think I am. I think that younger sisters are 9 times out of 10 prettier than the older ones... I don't know why it works like that. It just seems to. Look at Hilary & Haylie Duff... Paris & Nicky Hilton... Kayla & Allyson Shealey... :D I'm a jealous person. I've always been jealous of my baby sister... Probably always will be (love you, Lou!). I make stupid jokes that no one else gets. I LOVE inside jokes & I get so excited about them that I wear them out! (how 'bout that ride in?? ONE WOMAN COUGAR PACK!!!) I can be a hypocrite. I have a good many guy friends that I talk to on a regular basis, but if I see that my man has been talking to another girl- I get upset. Not angry, just suspicious, really...I start wondering if he's cheating on me. It's crazy psycho girl stuff, I know... But maybe I have trust issues. No, I KNOW i have trust issues. I love being one of the guys. It makes it hard when you want someone to look at you like a GIRL, but I like that my guy friends are so comfortable that they can just be themselves around me...(except Brandon Howell told me once that he feels uncomfortable even CUSSING around me now... and he's been cussing around me for 17 years now)... I always liked my hair short, but I've really gotten used to it being long & I don't think I'll ever cut it again, but then again- I'm impulsive. EXTREMELY impulsive. i'm a flirt. I love to be the center of attention, but I'm only good at impromptu stuff... I get the cold sweats when it's planned. I'm afraid someone's gonna think "wow- she actually TRIED and that's as good as it gets." ugh. I still get nervous when I'm "out of my element"... for example, being somewhere where I'm the only person who knows no one... Nervous is not the right word.. maybe nauseous is a better word... it makes me wanna throw up. I wish I were either taller or shorter. I hate being stuck in the middle. I wish I could lose the "baby fat"... but I don't want to give up Oreos or fried food... or just food in general... I'm an amazing cook, and I like to eat my food!! I think my boobs are too small, my butt is too big, my face is perfectly funny looking, and my legs aren't muscular enough... but for some reason, I think it all works. I don't think I'm unattractive... I don't think I'm PRETTY, but I do believe that there's something about me that turns guys to mush. I don't know what it is, but it works every time.... I love that about me. I think I have a *FABULOUS* personality, but I'm so scared of becoming fake. I feel like no one really "gets" me sometimes which frustrates me to no end...But then I'm afraid for someone to "get" me... I get myself in bad situations... I'm insecure... I LOVE fried food & pasta... Dirty Martinis... (extra dirty)... Jack on the rocks... I think ALL eyes are pretty.. not just a particular color... i'm a sucker for a guy with a full mouth & a great chest (and brown eyes melt me)... I love God, but I wish I had a closer relationship with Him... this past year I've gotten a little off track... time to get back up on the horse, i suppose. :)
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell... if I think of more- I'll let you know. :)
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