31 August 2011

Part 2 of Braydon's first year. :)

February 2011
Braydon- 5 months old
He couldn't quite sit up on his own yet, so the Bumbo was our
favorite item. :) He had just started eating a lot of solid food and his favorite
was organic squash, with parmesan, and carrots. Messy, messy little man.

March 2011
Not only did he start sitting up this month, but he also outgrew his
infant carseat. He could no longer ride laying down and had to move up to
his "big boy" carseat. :( I love this picture of him... so sweet... still Mama's little baby.

April 2011
This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of my sweet baby. He was
so tired, but never too sleepy for a bubble bath. :) I love the peculiar little face
he's making in this picture. My 7 month old big boy. :) :) :)



May 2011
Spending the day at Wild Adventures with Mama & Nana.
Baby LOVES talking on the phone... but at this age he mainly just listened...
didn't even make many noises on the phone, but loved to hear people talk to him.


June 2011
getting kissies from Harley, while Carter watches.
This picture contains my entire world.


I'll have to post pics from July, August & September in a few days and then I'll devote another post to his first birthday. As for now, my floor is covered in Cheerios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is going over and it's about time for me to restart it.... :)

26 August 2011

the past year --- part 1

so, this past year has been so eventful... and my precious baby, braydon fisher (aka BrayFish) has been so stinkin' adorable.... that i'm going to have to chronicle it in more than one post. it's so hard for me to believe that he's already almost a year old. everyone says they don't know where the time goes, but seriously, i think it's even more bittersweet (slightly more emphasis on the bitter than the sweet) when it's your last baby. and, believe me, i want another one (although not for a few years, if it ever really does happen). so, looking back on this past year makes me tear up quite a bit.

okay, without further adieu... the past year, in pictures, as experienced by yours truly...


building a shelf for braydon's room before he
made his arrival.

bray's completed shelf.
i turned the "office" into his nursery, and it did not
come equipped with a closet, so i made one.

one of my many maternity photos, but
this one was one of my favorites.

another of my favorites.
i absolutely adored being pregnant with braydon.

september 07, 2010
5:54 p.m.
7 lbs 5 oz
21 inches long
my sweet baby's first photo, taken by mommy :)

braydon at one week old.
i love this picture because a) you can see just how
tiny he is in comparison to my hand, b) you can tell that he had
beautiful, flawless complexion, and c) you can really tell he has his
daddy's eyes... one of my absolute favorite features on my little man.

one of my ALL TIME favorite pictures of Braydon.
he was such a perfect newborn.
((he's still perfect))
;)

Braydon staring at his Cooley jersey, dreaming of the day that
he, too, can play for the Redskins. :)
This was actually his first Halloween costume.

fatty's first thanksgiving
november 2010

at WinterFest 2010 in December
I ADORED that hat!! It kept him toasty-oasty and
looked oh-so-sweet on my perfect little man.

January 2010
4 months old

*sigh* my baby has grown up sooooooo much since these pictures were taken. it has, literally, taken me about 2 hours to put this tiny little piece of a blog together because i've been going through all of my albums, looking at all of his pictures. and this only covers a third of his year!!! looks like this may take a while. :) i'll see if i can get the other 8 months covered in the next few days.



24 August 2011

missing out

harley was born when i was 19. six weeks after my nineteenth birthday, to be exact. you wouldn't believe the amount of people that i had trying to persuade me to not have my baby. some of my closest friends and family, people that i never in a billion years would have thought would have approved of such a thing suddenly found it in my best interest and in the best interest of my unborn child. fortunately, her father and i did not agree. she was born in late september- the day after her daddy's 19th birthday and as prepared as we were, we also felt as though two less prepared people did not exist in this world. but, with the love and support of our families, we did it. (and it would be a complete lie if i said we did it on our own. especially during the first year, my mother in law pretty much raised harley, reuben and myself) our friends went off to college. they went out on the weekends. they had parties. we had a party once. harley's first birthday party. it was awesome. there were no kegstands, but there was plenty of cake. our friends would come visit. most of them just for an hour or so at a time (this was before myspace and facebook, so the only way we had to "watch" eachother's children grow up was to actually, physically watch them grow up. to be there in person). our friends loved harley. it would have been impossible not to. she was perfection (still is, if you ask me). but, i couldn't help but feel, at times, like they felt sorry for us. for him, especially. he was missing out on being a "normal" nineteen year old. we thought we were so grown. looking back, we really were such kids. we figured it out, of course. but, i can understand our families being so concerned. we didn't get it at the time. we were too naive to be scared. that, in itself, is a blessing i suppose. but, ya know... i didn't feel like i was missing out. i felt like everyone else was. being a mommy was the most amazing experience ever and i didn't understand why everyone wasn't just jumping into it feet first, all giddy and excited like i had been. it wasn't at all like an episode of teen mom. it was real life. it was a lot messier. a lot less sleep. but, i knew that what i had in my life was a billion times better than what they had in theirs. i wasn't missing out.
fast forward two years. we decided, together, that it was time to give our precious baby girl a sibling. hopefully a brother. and, so we did. we had it made. we had a house. one boy. one girl. a kitty cat named milo. a doggy named sarah jake. quiet, kid-friendly neighborhood. perfect marriage. only things happen. life happens. and things are only perfect until they're not anymore. and, because everything had been so "perfect" for us (relationship-wise) since we were 17, when things got tough we didn't know how to handle it. we were still kids. trying to grow up. doing the best we could with what we had. most of our friends were still in college. living it up. i started to feel like i was missing out. then i left. i left my marriage. left my best friend. then, i was missing out. only it took me too long to realize it and by the time i had, it was just gone.
but, it was okay. because, again, as always- things happen. life happens. fast forward another five years. i have another baby boy. my friends from before have mostly moved away. we have facebook now so i get to "watch" their families grow. many of them are where i was nine years ago. starting their families. newlyweds. out of college. "grown up jobs". it's so weird that WE are the adults now. i have several friends that are about ten or so years older than me. one of my closest has "grown" children herself. her "baby" will turn 16 in december. it's scary to think that she's just shy of 2 years younger than i was when i found out i was carrying my first child.
when people heard that i was expecting another baby, i was met with a lot of mixed reactions. with my first child, it was utter disappointment, for the most part. with my second, who was planned, it was excitement and anticipation. with my third, so many were happy for me, while still many just wanted to know WHY i would want to start over. i was back in school... about to embark on some pretty big life changes, yet i chose to become a new mother all over again. i don't know WHY. but, i knew that i would be missing out if i didn't. i was right.
of course, i am one of those fortunate women who is able to go out with friends and have an identity other than just "mommy"... but the things i love the most about my life are the very things i would be missing out on, had i not chose to have this perfect, precious baby boy. waking up before my eyes are really ready, but hearing the sweetest, tiniest little voice calling "Ma!!" (i really don't know where he gets "ma" from... but i love it). his smiling, sleepy face so happy to see me. him biting my bottom lip when i go to get my kissies. looking at that perfect face and seeing his daddy in him all over and knowing that he was made in love. despite where our relationship is now, at the time that this child was created, it was with a deep, passionate love... and, especially knowing this little man that came out of it, i wouldn't trade that night for anything. i have a good friend who has been married for about a year and she and her husband are as happy as they could possibly be. they go on vacation together... they have a wonderful life. and, admittedly, i sometimes get a little jealous of her freedom. but, ya know... i really am not missing out. my life is poopy diapers, blow up kiddie pools, constant headaches, and "braydon- i said NO!!"... but i love it. every single day, when i lay my head on my pillow at night, despite my many "coulda, shoulda woulda"s.... i love my babies. if i had chosen to not have ANY of them, THEN i would be missing out.





13 June 2011

the real love

seven more days. actually...  seven more nights.. then a wake up... and a drive to atlanta.... then my babies will be in my arms again. just thinking about it makes me want to cry. those children- harley, carter, and braydon- are my entire world. nothing else matters. i realize that now more than ever. being away from my oldest two children, not touching their faces or holding their tiny bodies for six whole months has been more difficult than i even imagined. but it's almost over. and if i've learned anything lately, it's that love doesn't matter. not the romantic kind anyway. it's nice to be in love. even unrequited love can be nice because even if the other person doesn't feel the same, it's still nice to feel in love... and to be completely honest, when you love someone who doesn't love you back- somewhere deep inside, you're holding on to some kind of hope that someday they will. but, again, that doesn't matter. people will hurt you. men (and women) will disappoint you. people, by nature, are selfish. they do what feels right to them, for them. children aren't like that. at least mine aren't. my children love me. unselfishly. they don't care what i look like. they don't care that i've got "issues". it doesn't bother them that i need a lot of affection. lots of hugs and kisses. they're happy to give them to me. my carter will tell me, with my hair piled high in a messy bun with no makeup on and still in pajama pants and an oversized sweatshirt that i'm the most beautiful woman in the world. he loves his mommy. he wants to marry me. and he says that if he can't marry me- she has to be just like me. that's love. harley says that she hopes she's just like me when she grows up. i tell her that i want her to be better than me. she tells me there's no such thing. that's love. when i'm sick- they don't ask for a thing. they just want to make me feel better. when the radio doesn't work, they don't complain. we take turns picking what song to sing to fill the silence. when i was 9 months pregnant ready to get their baby brother out of me, they walked with me literally every single morning before school, every afternoon after school around our neighborhood until i couldn't walk anymore. they wanted to be right there with me in case i needed anything. when i'm crying, harley will come hold me. we don't have to talk. she is her mother's child, if there were ever such a thing. she's a "cryer" like i am. i had to explain to her once that, because she's like me, there are going to be times when she feels like she needs to cry and she's not going to know why... but that it's still okay. it's not okay to be hurtful to others because you are sad, but that there's nothing wrong with just going to your room  and crying to let it out. so she understands when i need to do that. and she just holds me and lets me know she's there- the same way i do with her. we are joined at the soul. carter, on the other hand, being a typical "man", sees me crying and wants to "fix it". i love that about him. he would never ever let anyone hurt his mama. he's my protector. my life has not been the same since they've been gone. and as hurt as i've been lately, i realize that none of that even matters. the only  thing that matters is my children. it's the only love that is forever. have i loved men? absolutely. will i love again? undoubtedly. but will any love that i will ever feel come even close to what i feel for the three "little people" that i gave birth to? not a chance. it's the only "unconditional love" that i believe in. every one else seems to put unspoken conditions on their emotions. i'm not one to follow rules, usually. i'm a non-conformist. and ya know what?? my babies still love me.

07 May 2011

Three Trees

This is from one of Carter's favorite stories from school this past year. He loved the fact that the trees had no idea how important they were, but they ended up being 3 of the most important trees ever. And it helps me to remember that God has a plan... it may seem like things are all discombobulated, but it's still a part of his plan for me. :)

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They
were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree
 said, 'Someday I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be
 filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be
 decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the
 beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship.
 I will take Kings and queens across the waters and sail to
 the corners of the world Everyone will feel safe in me
 because of the strength of my hull.'

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the
 tallest and straightest Tree in the forest. People will see
 me on top of the hill and look up to my branches, and think
 of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching.
 I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will
 always remember me.'

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come
 true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one
 came to the first tree he said, 'This looks like a strong
 tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a
 carpenter, 'and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy
 , because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a
 treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a
 strong tree. I should be able to sell it to the shipyard.'
 The second tree was happy Because he knew he was on his way
 to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was
 frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his
 dreams would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, 'I
 don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this
 one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made
 into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn
 and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed
 for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat.
 His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying kings had
 come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in
 the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.
 Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave
 birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box
 that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he
 could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would
 have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event
 and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made
 from the second tree. One of them was tired and went to
 sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm
 arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to
 keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He
 stood and said 'Peace' and the storm stopped. At this time,
 the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its
 boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried
 through the streets as the people mocked the man who was
 carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed
 to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a
 hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was
 strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as
 close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been
 crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be
 going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If
 you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts.

Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way
 they had imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just
 know that His Ways are not our ways, but His ways are
 always best

01 May 2011

the working mother

I've always thought the term "working mother" was redundant. I attempted going back to work after the birth of my first child, my daughter, Harley, when she was about 7 months old. My body was even better than it had been before I conceived her, so when my manager from Hooters asked me to come back, I was anxious to get out of the house. This lasted for one day. After being at work a mere 3 hours, I called my grandmother and asked her to please go pick the baby up from daycare and bring her to me, and she did. As soon as she got there, I sat in the bathroom nursing my beautiful baby girl and decided then that I couldn't do it. We didn't exactly need the money, and no amount was worth this feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach. It just felt wrong to me.
Two years later, my ex husband and I decided we should start trying for second child. We desperately wanted a boy and twenty minutes later I was pregnant with Carter. By the time he was a year old, my husband and I were separating and I was working 3 jobs. I was back at Hooters, working at Merle Norman, and working as a personal trainer. I was exhausted. Not to mention, I missed out on so much with my children. All I wanted was to be with them all the time. Then we were divorced and I went through a really rough time emotionally. I was confused about who I was, where I was going, and what I should do next. Now, five years later, I have another child. Another son. I've heard it said a hundred thousand times that God will not give you something that you cannot handle. I firmly believe that God brought Braydon to me to keep me from losing my mind when Harley and Carter left in December. Had it not been for him, I would have most definitely gone into a serious depression being away from my children. But, I didn't have a choice. I had to be "mommy". I couldn't cry all day. I had a baby to feed, change, play with, read to... I had "work" to do.
I've never gotten paid for this job. This is what makes it both the most rewarding and least rewarding job, simultaneously. I have always loved staying at home with my children. I don't want to miss out on anything. I love changing diapers, getting up in the night to feed them, going for walks around the neighborhood, reading Horton Hears a Who over and over and over, watching Little Einsteins, dancing in the living room to Hall & Oates... all before noon. I love my life as a mommy. I also recognize that in these economic times, it is almost impossible for a family to get by without both parents working outside of the home. So, I got a job.
It's a job that I adore. It's perfect for me. It combines three of the things that I love most: photography, babies, and sales. I'm going to be really good at it, and I'll have the potential to make a lot of money doing it. But, herein lies the problem- a mother works. A stay at home mother works harder than probably any person on the planet. You don't have "time off"... well, except for me. The past couple of weeks, I've forced my "time off" by getting my grandmother to watch the baby for a couple of hours so I could go to a friend's house. But, most mothers don't even get to do that. Like I said, I forced it. But, even working outside of the home, I'm finding that I'm still expected to do all that was expected of me before I got this job.
My daughter once told me "Mommy I know why God made women to be Mommies... because Daddies couldn't handle it". Boy, was she right.

28 April 2011

rain, rain, go away....

we romanticize a lot of stuff, especially as women. and i think it's because, at a very early age, we are inundated with stories of "happily ever after" to the point that we believe that reality is a disney movie. it's not. you have no idea how many times i halfway expected a handsome prince to come knocking on the door to "rescue" me from torturous hours of cleaning my room... and this was at twelve years old. of course, now, at almost twenty-eight, i realize that i don't need to be "rescued". at least not by a prince. i can do that myself. and if i'm unhappy, i'm the only person who really has any control over that. but, still, being the little girl inside that i still am~ i want to be loved. but doesn't everyone? i don't want someone to think i'm perfect. that would bother me because i'd be afraid for them to see my flaws, my numerous imperfections. and i think that those "quirks" are part of what make me loveable. or at least they make the good seem even better. i don't know.

.... but an hour after starting this blog, i'm reminded that an old, good friend of mine has just suffered a tremendous loss. her boyfriend passed away yesterday and i can not even begin to imagine what she is going through and, to tell you the truth, it makes me not want to waste another second being unhappy. i don't want life to pass me by. i don't want to be 95 years old, in bed, thinking all the "coulda, shoulda, wouldas"... i don't want to live a life that i wouldn't want for my daughter. i dont want to hurt anyone. ever. but, sometimes, you have to, right? i mean, you can't always make everyone happy. i don't know. sometimes i feel lost. like, i don't know which way is up. i don't know what the right thing to do is.

so i pray. i know that He will give me the guidance, but as with most every other conversation i've had with anyone, i'm still concerned that maybe i'm not hearing what the LORD is saying to me. maybe i'm still just making of it what i want. how do i know the difference? how do i know what the right thing to do is?

and now i'm starting to think- maybe i shouldn't put myself out there as much as i do. maybe i should hold back... but, that's not me... maybe it should be. i've never been good at being anything other than kayla. "the nice girl". hmmmm... nice is supposed to be a good thing. try telling that to key lime pie guy. hmph.

oh well. i guess just keep checkin' back with me & we'll see if nice has done me any good. :/
 
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