missing out

harley was born when i was 19. six weeks after my nineteenth birthday, to be exact. you wouldn't believe the amount of people that i had trying to persuade me to not have my baby. some of my closest friends and family, people that i never in a billion years would have thought would have approved of such a thing suddenly found it in my best interest and in the best interest of my unborn child. fortunately, her father and i did not agree. she was born in late september- the day after her daddy's 19th birthday and as prepared as we were, we also felt as though two less prepared people did not exist in this world. but, with the love and support of our families, we did it. (and it would be a complete lie if i said we did it on our own. especially during the first year, my mother in law pretty much raised harley, reuben and myself) our friends went off to college. they went out on the weekends. they had parties. we had a party once. harley's first birthday party. it was awesome. there were no kegstands, but there was plenty of cake. our friends would come visit. most of them just for an hour or so at a time (this was before myspace and facebook, so the only way we had to "watch" eachother's children grow up was to actually, physically watch them grow up. to be there in person). our friends loved harley. it would have been impossible not to. she was perfection (still is, if you ask me). but, i couldn't help but feel, at times, like they felt sorry for us. for him, especially. he was missing out on being a "normal" nineteen year old. we thought we were so grown. looking back, we really were such kids. we figured it out, of course. but, i can understand our families being so concerned. we didn't get it at the time. we were too naive to be scared. that, in itself, is a blessing i suppose. but, ya know... i didn't feel like i was missing out. i felt like everyone else was. being a mommy was the most amazing experience ever and i didn't understand why everyone wasn't just jumping into it feet first, all giddy and excited like i had been. it wasn't at all like an episode of teen mom. it was real life. it was a lot messier. a lot less sleep. but, i knew that what i had in my life was a billion times better than what they had in theirs. i wasn't missing out.
fast forward two years. we decided, together, that it was time to give our precious baby girl a sibling. hopefully a brother. and, so we did. we had it made. we had a house. one boy. one girl. a kitty cat named milo. a doggy named sarah jake. quiet, kid-friendly neighborhood. perfect marriage. only things happen. life happens. and things are only perfect until they're not anymore. and, because everything had been so "perfect" for us (relationship-wise) since we were 17, when things got tough we didn't know how to handle it. we were still kids. trying to grow up. doing the best we could with what we had. most of our friends were still in college. living it up. i started to feel like i was missing out. then i left. i left my marriage. left my best friend. then, i was missing out. only it took me too long to realize it and by the time i had, it was just gone.
but, it was okay. because, again, as always- things happen. life happens. fast forward another five years. i have another baby boy. my friends from before have mostly moved away. we have facebook now so i get to "watch" their families grow. many of them are where i was nine years ago. starting their families. newlyweds. out of college. "grown up jobs". it's so weird that WE are the adults now. i have several friends that are about ten or so years older than me. one of my closest has "grown" children herself. her "baby" will turn 16 in december. it's scary to think that she's just shy of 2 years younger than i was when i found out i was carrying my first child.
when people heard that i was expecting another baby, i was met with a lot of mixed reactions. with my first child, it was utter disappointment, for the most part. with my second, who was planned, it was excitement and anticipation. with my third, so many were happy for me, while still many just wanted to know WHY i would want to start over. i was back in school... about to embark on some pretty big life changes, yet i chose to become a new mother all over again. i don't know WHY. but, i knew that i would be missing out if i didn't. i was right.
of course, i am one of those fortunate women who is able to go out with friends and have an identity other than just "mommy"... but the things i love the most about my life are the very things i would be missing out on, had i not chose to have this perfect, precious baby boy. waking up before my eyes are really ready, but hearing the sweetest, tiniest little voice calling "Ma!!" (i really don't know where he gets "ma" from... but i love it). his smiling, sleepy face so happy to see me. him biting my bottom lip when i go to get my kissies. looking at that perfect face and seeing his daddy in him all over and knowing that he was made in love. despite where our relationship is now, at the time that this child was created, it was with a deep, passionate love... and, especially knowing this little man that came out of it, i wouldn't trade that night for anything. i have a good friend who has been married for about a year and she and her husband are as happy as they could possibly be. they go on vacation together... they have a wonderful life. and, admittedly, i sometimes get a little jealous of her freedom. but, ya know... i really am not missing out. my life is poopy diapers, blow up kiddie pools, constant headaches, and "braydon- i said NO!!"... but i love it. every single day, when i lay my head on my pillow at night, despite my many "coulda, shoulda woulda"s.... i love my babies. if i had chosen to not have ANY of them, THEN i would be missing out.